Christmas once again...
I'm watching the music videos that Lisa and I made our freshman year of college. I can't believe how goofy we were back then...it's almost embarrassing, though she's the one doing all of the dancing. "Dancing." It seems like our entire friendship crumbled at its foundation back in high school, but it took until our freshman year for it to totally fall apart at the seams. I can't remember the last time I honestly felt I could be myself around her. I'm not sure why; maybe because she always passed judgement in a negative manner during our high school years. All of those instances where girls called me nerdy and made fun of me, and the only response she said was that I had it coming because I dressed in a certain way (minus Abercrombie and Fitch, perhaps?). All of those years I wondered why I didn't fit in...and then I realized that I didn't want to fit in. I wanted to be someone completely different, who stood apart from that crowd. A crowd of faceless teenagers, whose parents bought them cars because "Mommy and Daddy do everything."
At the same time, I miss our friendship. How things used to be, where we were similar people who felt the same way about the important issues. We both wanted to go into computer animation together...and now I'm in history, she's in architecture and talks about going to Chicago when she graduates. We've both changed, and I have to accept that things won't remain the same, the way other people's friends are. Friendships set in stone that will never change...mine are set on foundations of sand sometimes, falling apart at the first breeze or minor rainfall. Do I sound jealous? Sometimes I feel that way. I've been working so hard on opening up to people, making things more stable for myself, but sometimes I just want to give up on people. There are a few I don't feel that way about...because I know they are different :-) And that makes everything worth it.
Today, my boyfriend called me and we talked for awhile about my upcoming trip to see him in Cincinnati. I'm very nervous about the entire ordeal, and I haven't mentioned that because I don't think he understands how anyone could feel that way. Walking into a room and just feeling like everyone is looking at you, ready to pass negative judgement. Being in crowds of people that I don't know very well, not knowing what to say and feeling extremely stupid...I'm not anti-social, and just because I don't talk a lot doesn't mean I'm angry or stuck up. I'm just me.
And the whole sick stomach thing -- he has no idea how ill I can potentially become when my regimen is thrown off. Perfect example -- I haven't felt that well all of break. The last two times I went out of town myself, I got sick.
But the thing I am most afraid of is what happened to me last year, when I went to visit Chad and his family out in Chardon. I stayed there the entire weekend, and it was hard. It didn't help that his sisters and I didn't have a positive relationship -- they never made the effort to talk to me, despite the conversation starters I threw their way. Rejected. I had no choice but to sit around (which I didn't want to do, their being in the same room with me without my ex made me feel uncomfortable) or follow Chad around the house and hope he'd find something for us to do. I did the latter. And to top off the horrible time I had, worrying if things were going to fall apart for us, I also got bitched out by him when we got back. He hated how I was with him all weekend, and not sitting around by his unaccepting siblings. It was awful.
I don't think anything like that has the potential of occurring, but I'm a worrier by nature. I really wish I could change this. It's not a positive quality by any means. I can't say I am worried about him cheating on me the way Chad did; I know he is an honest person by nature and wouldn't do that. I guess perhaps I'm concerned about what his family and friends will think of me. I'm going into this with them expecting something from me -- a positive first impression. And yeah...I'm afraid it'll turn into another Meet the Parents. Starring me. Good Lord...I wish I was more of a conversationalist, a people person of sorts. Maybe I should start practicing that.
Why do I expect so much from myself?
Nevertheless, I am excited about seeing my boyfriend again. I love him very much, and being a few hours away for the past week or so has been hard.
At the same time, I miss our friendship. How things used to be, where we were similar people who felt the same way about the important issues. We both wanted to go into computer animation together...and now I'm in history, she's in architecture and talks about going to Chicago when she graduates. We've both changed, and I have to accept that things won't remain the same, the way other people's friends are. Friendships set in stone that will never change...mine are set on foundations of sand sometimes, falling apart at the first breeze or minor rainfall. Do I sound jealous? Sometimes I feel that way. I've been working so hard on opening up to people, making things more stable for myself, but sometimes I just want to give up on people. There are a few I don't feel that way about...because I know they are different :-) And that makes everything worth it.
Today, my boyfriend called me and we talked for awhile about my upcoming trip to see him in Cincinnati. I'm very nervous about the entire ordeal, and I haven't mentioned that because I don't think he understands how anyone could feel that way. Walking into a room and just feeling like everyone is looking at you, ready to pass negative judgement. Being in crowds of people that I don't know very well, not knowing what to say and feeling extremely stupid...I'm not anti-social, and just because I don't talk a lot doesn't mean I'm angry or stuck up. I'm just me.
And the whole sick stomach thing -- he has no idea how ill I can potentially become when my regimen is thrown off. Perfect example -- I haven't felt that well all of break. The last two times I went out of town myself, I got sick.
But the thing I am most afraid of is what happened to me last year, when I went to visit Chad and his family out in Chardon. I stayed there the entire weekend, and it was hard. It didn't help that his sisters and I didn't have a positive relationship -- they never made the effort to talk to me, despite the conversation starters I threw their way. Rejected. I had no choice but to sit around (which I didn't want to do, their being in the same room with me without my ex made me feel uncomfortable) or follow Chad around the house and hope he'd find something for us to do. I did the latter. And to top off the horrible time I had, worrying if things were going to fall apart for us, I also got bitched out by him when we got back. He hated how I was with him all weekend, and not sitting around by his unaccepting siblings. It was awful.
I don't think anything like that has the potential of occurring, but I'm a worrier by nature. I really wish I could change this. It's not a positive quality by any means. I can't say I am worried about him cheating on me the way Chad did; I know he is an honest person by nature and wouldn't do that. I guess perhaps I'm concerned about what his family and friends will think of me. I'm going into this with them expecting something from me -- a positive first impression. And yeah...I'm afraid it'll turn into another Meet the Parents. Starring me. Good Lord...I wish I was more of a conversationalist, a people person of sorts. Maybe I should start practicing that.
Why do I expect so much from myself?
Nevertheless, I am excited about seeing my boyfriend again. I love him very much, and being a few hours away for the past week or so has been hard.
posted by Erin Nicole @ 6:05 PM
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