I am leaving for Cincinnati tomorrow, to spend five days with my boyfriend. Though I'm so excited to see him again, I can't help but feel extremely nervous at the thought of meeting his parents and friends. On top of the normal pressures of the initial first impression, he's already warned me about his stepmother. A warning that she has the potential to basically verbally abuse me, rip me apart, even if it is behind my back.

I guess the part that gets to me is that this is my Achilles heel...this is my weakness. What other people think of me; their perception, their view of the person I am. I don't know why this matters so much to me, but sometimes I think God is trying to show me that aside from His perception of me, I am the one who should judge myself, not a complete stranger who was in my presence for a day or two. Granted, my boyfriend did tell me that no matter what his parents think or say, he will love me regardless. But it sounded like more of a premonition than reassurance -- they might hate you, but don't worry, I will still love you. He should be the only one who matters. Why am I letting this get to me?

Flashback to sixth grade. Our desks are all set up in groups of four or five, and there are two guys and a girl at my "table." The girl continues to call me "Hairy" because of the dark hair on my arms -- nothing too noticeable, but this is a Catholic school; thus, they must pick you apart. The boys chime in, tossing out sexual innuendo. "Do you know what a pussy is?" I can't take it. I go home and get into the shower, armed with my razor and a vendetta against the hair on my arms. Hair that I never really noticed before, yet with each passing stroke, the razor takes off more and more hair. Finally, there is nothing but my pale skin, spotted with freckles every so often.

I caved in. I gave up a part of myself for what other people thought. I may never understand why I think the way I do, but I'm damned well going to try.

I just hope that the Tagamet works tomorrow...and the Pepto. The feeling of acid shooting up my throat is more than I can tolerate for five days. Maybe I will feel better once I get down there, and the anticipation is no longer making me nervous. Then I will only have to deal with myself, and try not to worry about anyone else.

Christmas once again...

I'm watching the music videos that Lisa and I made our freshman year of college. I can't believe how goofy we were back then...it's almost embarrassing, though she's the one doing all of the dancing. "Dancing." It seems like our entire friendship crumbled at its foundation back in high school, but it took until our freshman year for it to totally fall apart at the seams. I can't remember the last time I honestly felt I could be myself around her. I'm not sure why; maybe because she always passed judgement in a negative manner during our high school years. All of those instances where girls called me nerdy and made fun of me, and the only response she said was that I had it coming because I dressed in a certain way (minus Abercrombie and Fitch, perhaps?). All of those years I wondered why I didn't fit in...and then I realized that I didn't want to fit in. I wanted to be someone completely different, who stood apart from that crowd. A crowd of faceless teenagers, whose parents bought them cars because "Mommy and Daddy do everything."
At the same time, I miss our friendship. How things used to be, where we were similar people who felt the same way about the important issues. We both wanted to go into computer animation together...and now I'm in history, she's in architecture and talks about going to Chicago when she graduates. We've both changed, and I have to accept that things won't remain the same, the way other people's friends are. Friendships set in stone that will never change...mine are set on foundations of sand sometimes, falling apart at the first breeze or minor rainfall. Do I sound jealous? Sometimes I feel that way. I've been working so hard on opening up to people, making things more stable for myself, but sometimes I just want to give up on people. There are a few I don't feel that way about...because I know they are different :-) And that makes everything worth it.
Today, my boyfriend called me and we talked for awhile about my upcoming trip to see him in Cincinnati. I'm very nervous about the entire ordeal, and I haven't mentioned that because I don't think he understands how anyone could feel that way. Walking into a room and just feeling like everyone is looking at you, ready to pass negative judgement. Being in crowds of people that I don't know very well, not knowing what to say and feeling extremely stupid...I'm not anti-social, and just because I don't talk a lot doesn't mean I'm angry or stuck up. I'm just me.
And the whole sick stomach thing -- he has no idea how ill I can potentially become when my regimen is thrown off. Perfect example -- I haven't felt that well all of break. The last two times I went out of town myself, I got sick.
But the thing I am most afraid of is what happened to me last year, when I went to visit Chad and his family out in Chardon. I stayed there the entire weekend, and it was hard. It didn't help that his sisters and I didn't have a positive relationship -- they never made the effort to talk to me, despite the conversation starters I threw their way. Rejected. I had no choice but to sit around (which I didn't want to do, their being in the same room with me without my ex made me feel uncomfortable) or follow Chad around the house and hope he'd find something for us to do. I did the latter. And to top off the horrible time I had, worrying if things were going to fall apart for us, I also got bitched out by him when we got back. He hated how I was with him all weekend, and not sitting around by his unaccepting siblings. It was awful.
I don't think anything like that has the potential of occurring, but I'm a worrier by nature. I really wish I could change this. It's not a positive quality by any means. I can't say I am worried about him cheating on me the way Chad did; I know he is an honest person by nature and wouldn't do that. I guess perhaps I'm concerned about what his family and friends will think of me. I'm going into this with them expecting something from me -- a positive first impression. And yeah...I'm afraid it'll turn into another Meet the Parents. Starring me. Good Lord...I wish I was more of a conversationalist, a people person of sorts. Maybe I should start practicing that.
Why do I expect so much from myself?
Nevertheless, I am excited about seeing my boyfriend again. I love him very much, and being a few hours away for the past week or so has been hard.

Another 1st entry...

I don't know where to start with this first entry, so I should probably begin at the beginning. I tend to be very logical in the majority of my endeavors, though many people claim that they cannot understand me or my thought process. Sometimes, I tend to think with my heart rather than my head, which gets me into trouble more often than not. I've used both with my current relationship, though, and it's something quite wonderful that I never have had to question. Security and stability are two things that have been quite lacking in previous relationships, and it's extremely comforting to have both this time.

The only difficult part has been the distance between us over this break. Four hours is quite far. Come to think of it, I haven't dated anyone who lived that far away. He's most definitely worth it, though. I hope he realizes how much he means to me, and how I would go to any length to ensure his happiness.

Aside from my relationship, a lot of things have been on my mind. First off, I have had no job satisfaction in quite some time. It's carried over into my personal life, and I feel as though I have to do something more rewarding. I have no idea what -- volunteer work, perhaps? I feel underappreciated, and because I tend to seek approval in certain aspects of my life, I don't take to that very well.

Secondly, I have started to look for a job. A real one, for when I graduate from college. It doesn't seem like what I am looking for is actually out there. I would love to get into a field which promotes research and writing. I know a history degree doesn't have a set job to get into after graduation, but I'm willing to be a little flexible in this case. It's hard to plan out my life when I don't know how things are going to stand in May...or even afterwards. Why must I torture myself by worrying about the future, instead of living in the moment?

It's almost four in the morning, so I should probably go to sleep for a few hours. The bad feeling in the pit of my stomach is almost gone; ever since I dated Chad, I've had trouble trusting men and their feelings about me. In my heart, I know what my boyfriend feels is true...I just need to stop focusing on the past and live for today. I need to trust myself for once. I need to trust love.